Lasting Love EFT Brisbane City Psychologists

Couples Counselling and The Secret to Lasting Love

What is the secret ingredient? The most recent research on romantic bonding has identified a key ingredient that makes a difference between a happy, satisfying relationship and a disastrous one. Over 30 years of attachment science and research have determined that this factor best predicts happiness and love.

So what is it? It may sound like common sense, but it is a different thing to understanding it; the secret ingredient is called emotional responsiveness. Emotional responsiveness particularly shapes the interaction between you and your partner, which Emotionally Focused Therapy or EFT, a method used by psychologists in Couples Counselling, refers to as the dance at critical moments of vulnerability and need.

Emotional Responsiveness: What It Is and What It’s Not

Emotional responsiveness is not about seeing that your partner is emotionally off-balance and offering advice or trying to solve their problem for them. It is not about a heady intellectual conversation.

Instead, it is about being able to see, tune into and hold your partner’s emotions with them. Research says this type of responsiveness is the secret to lasting love.

What Does This Look Like In Practice?

This is what it sounds like when we are emotionally responsive to our partners:

Ken says

“Hey, you are getting pretty snappy here but if I look into your face, you seem pretty upset. Are you worried about something?”

Sally says

“I don’t want you to go away this weekend. I know you have to go, but I feel lonely.”

Ken replies

“As I hear you say this, I can see this is hard for you. Do you want to talk?” He touches her on her arm. “I will miss you, you know. I am sad to hear that you feel lonely. It makes sense that you feel that way when I go away. I will be back soon and I know that it’s hard for you when I leave you alone.”

Sally

Sally beams hearing this! She feels held, important and special. Sally feels that Ken is there for her, emotionally present. This moment defines the relationship as a safe haven where Sally’s vulnerability can be soothed and she feels safe and sound.

The Power of Tuning In – EFT Couples Counselling

Recent research by the founder of EFT Emotionally Focused Therapy, Dr Sue Johnson, and her colleagues have found that these moments of emotional responsiveness really shape a bond. It is these moments that can make more of a difference to a relationship than negative moments like fights and conflicts, which at the time we feel are so important. If you can do what Ken did, you can restore connection and repair after any fight.

Tuning in and responding to our partner’s vulnerable emotions is so powerful that it makes the relationship a safe haven. This kind of attention is what love is all about. This tune-in responsiveness is also the main ingredient in conversations that we help couples create in couples therapy. Studies by Dr Sue Johnson and her colleagues found these special conversations predicted whether couples could heal the rifts in their relationship and shape loving relationships in their future.

Further research by Professor Ted Houston, at the University of Texas, studied 168 newly married couples to look for the key behaviour in a marriage that predicted stability across the years. He predicted that it would stem from how frequently couples argue. Instead, he found that the level of emotional responsiveness and affection that couples showed each other early in their relationship predicted the future of where the relationship would go. This makes sense; as humans, we are wired for connection and are bonding mammals. The support our partner offers us soothes our nervous system and answers our most basic need to be loved. We can deal with differences if we feel emotionally held and connected.

Couples Counselling Examples: Tuning In & Response

You may already be great at tuning in to your partner so you can offer them emotional support, or you may be unsure how to do this. There are some useful guidelines to help you do this. Next time you are interacting with your partner, try to practice these steps:

Actively Listen

Actively listen to your partner. Focus on what they are saying so that you can share back to them what you are hearing so that they might feel heard and understood. Focus on understanding their perspective rather than on whether you agree with them or not.

Reflect

Reflect your partner’s words that you actively listened to or their facial expression back to them. “I can see the sadness on your face. I hear that you do not want me to go away this weekend.”

Evoke

Ask a question about their emotions to help your partner communicate what they are experiencing internally. “Can you tell me what it feels like for you right now?”

Validate

Validate how your partner is feeling. Remember, you are not necessarily saying that they are right; you are focusing on their emotional experience. “It is understandable that you feel very sad knowing that I am going away.”

Share Your Emotions

The temptation might be to share what you think or a solution. Instead share your vulnerable softer feelings with them and try to name the emotion you are feeling in response to hearing their emotional experience. Emotion in Latin means “to move” and by sharing your emotions with your partner you will move them towards emotional responsiveness. “I feel really sad knowing that you are sad and feeling lonely.”

If you notice in Ken’s response, he used a series of these steps. These steps do not need to be done in isolation or linearly. If in doubt, validate and share your feelings!

This is an important skill set, and the payoff is huge. If you take the time to tune in to your partner’s emotions and offer them support, this will make all the difference in the quality of your relationship.

References:

Greenman, Paul & Johnson, Sue (2013). Process research on EFT for couples. Family Process, 52, 46-61. (This is an overview of studies that examine what creates key transforming change events in EFT sessions.)

Ted Huston et al (2001). The connubial crucible: Newlywed years as predictors of marital delight, distress and divorce. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 80, 237-252.

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