Being in a relationship with a narcissistic partner can be profoundly disorienting and emotionally draining. If you identify as being in an abusive relationship with a narcissist, understanding the dynamics at play could be crucial to reclaiming your personal mental health, wellbeing, and safety.
What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)?
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is classified under Cluster B personality disorders in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5). The DSM-5 is the authoritative guide used by mental health professionals in Australia to diagnose mental health conditions. It categorises and defines psychological disorders based on observable traits and behaviours.
Common Traits of NPD Include:
- A grandiose sense of self-importance.
- Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, or beauty.
- A belief of being special or unique, deserving of excessive admiration.
- Leveraging relationships for personal benefit.
- Lack of empathy.
- Envy towards others or belief that others are envious of them.
It is important to highlight that narcissism exists on a spectrum, ranging from “healthy narcissism” (a balanced sense of self-worth) to malignant narcissism, which combines narcissistic traits with abusive, antisocial behaviours and aggression.
The Types of Narcissists: Covert and Overt
While experts debate the exact number of narcissistic subtypes, the two most recognised types are ‘covert’ and ‘overt’ narcissists.
Covert Narcissists
These individuals are more introverted, often portraying themselves as victims. They may seem insecure, but their behaviours are equally manipulative and controlling.
Overt Narcissists
They are extroverted, grandiose, and attention-seeking. Their charm can be intoxicating initially, but their arrogance and exploitative tendencies quickly surface.
Both types engage in abusive behaviours that can devastate their partners’ emotional and psychological health.
The Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse
A hallmark of a relationship with a narcissist is the repetitive cycle of idealisation, devaluation, and discard. Understanding this cycle is key to recognising the patterns of narcissistic abuse.
Narcissism Jargon: Decoding the Language of Abuse
Being able to identify key behaviours and tactics can empower victims of abuse to take action. Here are some common terms:
Love Bombing
Overwhelming someone with affection to establish control.
Hoovering
Attempts to lure someone back into the relationship post-discard.
Projection
Accusing others of the narcissist’s own behaviours or feelings.
Narcissistic Supply
Attention or validation the narcissist craves to feel valued.
Word Salad
Incoherent, confusing speech meant to frustrate and dominate.
Stonewalling
Refusing to communicate, causing the partner distress.
Flying Monkeys
Enlisting others to support the narcissist’s perspective.
Grey Rock
A strategy for reducing conflict by becoming emotionally unresponsive.
Trauma Bond
A deep emotional attachment formed through cycles of abuse.
Abuse is Still Abuse: Beyond Labels
While the term “narcissist” is sometimes overused, it is critical to separate labels from actions. Abuse, regardless of the perpetrator’s psychological diagnosis, remains harmful and unacceptable.
The Power and Control Wheel illustrates common abusive tactics, such as intimidation, emotional abuse, isolation, and economic control.
Recognising the Red Flags
Typically, narcissists display ten of the following thirteen traits [1]:
- Self-absorbed – Acts like everything is all about him or her
- Entitled – Makes the rules; breaks the rules
- Demeaning – Puts you down, bullyish
- Demanding – of whatever he or she wants
- Distrustful – Suspicious of your motives when you’re being nice to him or her
- Perfectionistic – Rigidly high standards – his or her way or no way
- Snobbish – Believes he or she is superior to you and others; gets bored easily
- Approval seeking – Craves constant praise and recognition
- Unempathic – Uninterested in understanding your inner experience or unable to do so
- Unremorseful – Cannot offer a genuine apology
- Compulsive – Gets overly consumed with details and minutiae
- Addictive – Cannot let go of bad habits; uses them to self soothe
- Emotionally detached – Steers clear of feeling
If you checked at least 10 of the 13 traits listed above, the difficult person in your life most likely meets the criteria for overt maladaptive narcissism, the most common and difficult form [1].
Healing and Moving Forward
Breaking free from a narcissistic relationship is challenging but possible. Here are steps to begin the journey:
Educate Yourself
Learn about narcissistic abuse to validate your experiences.
Seek Support
Connect with friends, family, or support groups who can offer guidance.
Document Abuse
Keeping records of incidents can help in legal or therapeutic contexts.
Consider Professional Help
Therapy with a psychologist can provide tools to process trauma and rebuild confidence and self-esteem.
Practice Self-Care
Reconnect with activities and relationships that bring joy and fulfilment.
Recognising and addressing the patterns of narcissistic abuse is a courageous and transformative step. By understanding the dynamics of narcissism, identifying the tactics used by abusive partners, and seeking appropriate support, victims can reclaim their lives and build healthier relationships.
Abuse Support Numbers
Abuse, whether physical or emotional, is never justified. If you or someone you know is in a potentially harmful relationship, reach out to local support services or helplines for assistance. Here are some key resources:
1800RESPECT
A 24/7 national sexual assault, family, and domestic violence counselling line for anyone who has experienced, or is at risk of, family and domestic violence and/or sexual assault.
Phone: 1800 737 732
Text: 0458 737 732
Online Chat and Video Call: Available via their website 1800RESPECT
Lifeline
Provides 24/7 crisis support and suicide prevention services.
Phone: 13 11 14
Website: Lifeline
MensLine Australia
Supports men and boys dealing with family and relationship difficulties.
Phone: 1300 789 978
Website: MensLine Australia
DVConnect Womensline
Provides crisis support for women.
Phone: 1800 811 811
Website: DVConnect Womensline
DVConnect Mensline
Offers support for men.
Phone: 1800 600 636
Website: DVConnect Mensline
Sources:
[1] Behary, W. T. (2009). Disarming the narcissist: surviving and thriving with the self-absorbed. Oakland, CA, New Harbinger Publications
American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). Arlington, VA: American Psychiatric Publishing.
Power and Control Wheel. A framework highlighting the tactics abusers use to dominate and harm their partners: https://www.theduluthmodel.org/wheels/
Behary, W. T. (2013). Framing the situation: Toward an understanding of narcissism. In Disarming the narcissist: Surviving and thriving with the self-absorbed (2nd ed., pp. 17–36). New Harbinger Publications.
MacKenzie, J. (2015). Psychopath free: Recovering from emotionally abusive relationships with narcissists, sociopaths, and other toxic people. Berkeley, CA: Penguin Books.
