Is compassion a weak indulgence or a more meaningful way to achieve well-being?
When the sel-compassion idea is introduced in therapy, there is often resistance to the idea. Some people think, ‘But if I don’t push myself, I won’t get anything done’ or ‘Kindness is weak’. It seems we are much more comfortable with our inner critic than our inner ally.
As a society, we are faced with so much unhappiness, anxiety and discontent. It seems to me that the motivation of the whip may be a fundamental cause of this dis-ease.
We are driven by perfect outcomes (which rarely exist) instead of being the best version of ourselves throughout the process. Some successful people will say, ‘But the inner critic got me this far’; however, they will also often acknowledge it has caused suffering, and the process has been miserable.
Stressed parents often berate themselves for being ‘bad parents’, with no acknowledgment that they try their best every day. Tragically, some people reach a point where they hate the thing they once loved (work, being a parent, gym, self-improvement). The enjoyment is taken out of it by constant internal bullying to be better.
It is reasonable to be engaged in personal goals and bettering ourselves in any sphere of life (love, work, parenting, sport, recovery). But what if the most successful path to our hopes and the most effective way to motivate ourselves is to be our own support system or an ally to ourselves?
This point is illustrated below. Two school teams playing soccer. The teams are evenly matched.
The soccer coach was shouting warm and supportive encouragement from the sidelines; ‘great pass Alex’.
The team were trying hard, having fun and won the game.
The other team’s coach was shouting exasperated criticisms at his children; ‘you need to move faster Shaun!’. These children were also trying hard, but their unhappiness increased as the game progressed, they became physically tenser, and they were not having fun!
Bullies, including internal ones, take the pleasure out of whatever endeavour we are engaged in, and we stop being able to respond and play creatively.
Adult life is not a soccer game; it’s tougher, and the demands are more significant. However, it is critical and revealing to consider questions like:
The problem with an inner critic is that it will often trigger our amygdala: our threat system, or the ‘smoke detector’ of our mind.
Paul Gilbert, the founder of Compassion Focused Therapy, described it as ‘a sensitivity to suffering in ourselves and others and a motivation to make it better.’ We struggle to create genuine contentment (for ourselves and others) without being able to non-judgmentally and sensitively be present to our struggles.
So many people say, ‘I meditate, I exercise, I do yoga, but I don’t feel better’. These activities have become tasks on the modern to-do list or improving our performance rather than considered responses to the question, ‘What do I need, based on a non-judgemental and empathic consideration of how I feel?’
Compassion is a skillset and consists of six attributes: care for wellbeing, sensitivity, sympathy, empathy, non-judgement and emotional courage.
Paul Gilbert recently described compassion, at a conference in Brisbane, as a firefighter’s sensitivity to suffering and motivation to run into a burning building to rescue someone, despite their fears. Compassion requires us to be emotionally courageous and consciously aware.
Therefore, compassion is not pity or weakness. It is not about never having difficult emotions again, nor is it selfish or underserved. Compassion is not always putting others needs above our own, and it is not abdicating responsibility. Compassion is not too hard or overwhelming or setting you up to fall, and it doesn’t make you more vulnerable to other people. (Mary Welford, CFT for dummies).
Can you start being ‘helpful and not harmful’ (Paul Gilbert) to yourself?
Are you interested in being an ally to yourself and curious about what impact that might have on your life?
Reflect on some of these questions and try some of these techniques.
Think about the questions above:
To experience your compassionate self, it is helpful to change your physiology from busy and driven (stressed and anxious) to relaxed yet alert. Close your eyes, sit comfortably and breathe deeply for a few minutes. Think about a time when you have felt a strong wave of compassion from someone else or when you have felt very compassionate towards someone. Notice how that feels in your body. If you cannot evoke the feeling of compassion, imagine how it might feel to be in the presence of someone who completely understands and accepts you as you are.
Can you commit to being helpful and not harmful?
Practice these tips over and over to create compassionate muscle memory. It will increase the likelihood of compassion being a response you are capable of when you need it.
Using the same technique of being still and breathing deeply – use your imagination to project a version of you that is capable of supporting yourself and others through the trials and tribulations of our everyday living (as employees, friends, parents, partners etc.). A version of you capable of being ‘helpful and not harmful’. Imagine how that might feel, how you might relate to yourself and others, what you might focus your attention on, and how you might behave or think.
Spend a week keeping a diary of how your self-critic contributes to your life. Notice what it says, how it speaks to you (voice tone) and how helpful or unhelp it is. Be curious about whether this way of self-relating is helping you achieve your goals or not.
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