The Power of Assertiveness: How to Communicate Effectively

Assertiveness is a powerful skill that can be learnt to you achieve your goals and build stronger relationships. Learn how to be assertive and to communicate effectively.

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About Assertiveness

Being assertive is not about being either passive or aggressive but rather expressing yourself in a respectful and honest way.

Assertiveness can help you build strong relationships and achieve your goals while respecting the needs and feelings of others. It can help you build self-confidence and reduce potential conflict. Overall, assertiveness can help you enhance your personal and professional relationships.

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Use Assertiveness to Negotiate and Resolve Conflicts

Assertiveness is a valuable skill to help you negotiate and resolve conflicts and clearly communicate your needs and wants while listening to the other person’s needs and opinions.

Some people think that being assertive is the same as being aggressive. However, they are very different styles of communication. Being assertive can be described as the middle ground between being passive and aggressive.

An assertive communication style can help you find solutions that work for both parties, rather than one person feeling like they have to give in completely. It enables you to avoid passive-aggressive or aggressive behaviour, which can escalate conflicts and damage relationships in the longer term.

What Stops You From Being Assertive?

There are a number of factors that may stop you from being assertive.

Low self-esteem, unrealistic beliefs and negative self-talk
Lack of communication skills
Worry, stress and anxiety
Cultural influences.

How to Become More Assertive

Below there are some tips and exercises to help you in your journey to becoming more assertive.

Becoming aware of unhelpful thought patterns is the first step towards changing them. However, awareness may not be enough to help some people change their way of thinking. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, also known as CBT Therapy, can help you work on, challenge and overcome unhelpful thinking patterns.

Identify Situations in Which You Wish to be More Assertive

What is the situation you want to become more assertive in? Think of situations at work or home where you think you could benefit from being more assertive. For example, when conducting a performance review of one of your team members or the food you ordered at the restaurant is cold. Identify your thoughts and behaviours and what you normally do in those situations. Do you act passively? Or rather aggressively? Write the situations down and sort them in order of priority or difficulty.

Identify Unassertive Thoughts

What unhelpful beliefs are preventing you from being more assertive? What is it, and why has it stopped you from being assertive? For example, an unassertive thought you may have noticed can be: “If I tell my team member that the quality of their work is not what I was expecting, they will get annoyed at me and might not like me anymore, or they may not think I am a good manager”.

Change Thoughts to More Assertive Ones

What are more assertive beliefs? Think of different and assertive ways to deal with the situation. Is it important to tell your team member that their work may not show the quality of work needed? How can you express your thinking honestly, directly and respectfully? How can we assertively ‘listen’ to what the team member may have to say about the quality of their work?

Identify and Change Unassertive Behaviours

What unhelpful verbal or non-verbal behaviours did you use when you tried to provide feedback to one of your team members or colleagues? Do you apologise and feel bad for giving feedback? What would be more assertive behaviours you could use instead? For example, providing feedback in a clear and concise way without apologising so the team member understands what could be done differently. Perhaps provide good feedback when the work has been rectified?

Rehearse the Identified Assertive Behaviours

Once you have identified more assertive behaviours you could benefit from, rehearse them. Rehearse what you will do and say in that situation. Practise until you feel comfortable and confident in being assertive in your working situation.

Put your Assertive Skills into Practice!

Rehearsing and practising are essential to develop your assertiveness skills. Take some time to reflect on situations in which you put your assertiveness skills into practice, congratulate yourself for what went well and then think of what you could do differently next time for a more positive impact.